Overwhelmed is where I have been this week…the Holy Spirit
made me aware that this was last year’s pattern and I was overwhelmed because I
wasn’t leaning on Christ and avoiding my true feelings of feeling overwhelmed
that Whitney’s birthday was approaching. I tend to be a person who bottles up true
feelings. I like to just keep them down, I usually use food, busyness or
whatever to keep them at bay at least till I am able to properly, without an
audience deal with myself. I have always been the perceived strong one. But my
true self is overwhelmed, stressed, using the f word too much…you know when
that makes an ugly appearance, shit just got real! Please excuse my language,
but this is me, the real raw me, the one who has little to no filter.
I am not sure how to celebrate Whitney’s birthday. I wish we
didn’t have to do this, I wish she was still here. For some reason this death
is much harder to work with. With dad it wasn’t easy, just different. We all
miss him, but it is easier on his birthday, the anniversary of his death just
to be with each other and remember, with Whitney, it is painful, overwhelmingly
sad and buckets of tears, at least for me…although those tears will most likely
be shed in my home, where no one can see me.
Not only is it Whitney’s 24th birthday today, but
it is my anniversary. Aadam and I are celebrating 15 years of marriage, such a
wonderful milestone. Can’t believe we make it, year after year. It hasn’t been
easy. It has been so hard. I won’t sugar coat anything, I see countless people
post on their Facebook statuses how magically and wonderful their marriage is,
lots of fluff…it’s not that I don’t believe it, I just think what makes you so
special that you can avoid real life problems, finances, death, anything that
can break a marriage up. How is it that your marriage is perfect and mine is not?
Sometimes I wonder where my blessings are. God where? In the trueness of this
statement I know I have many blessings… healthy kids, wonderful friends, my
family, transportation and a house. Aadam’s job went through quite a change up
a few years ago and our income has been cut drastically and the economy that
enslaves you to the gas pump and high prices of food, daily needs that can’t be
substituted never end. Although I have used my addiction to pinterest to help me find
cheaper ways to make some of those daily items last longer and save me at least
a few bucks at the end of the year. Aadam and I have been through hell and back…many
things that would end a marriage, we are warriors! We have made it despite the
heavy on slot of unrelenting sadness, distractions and overwhelming
circumstances. For me celebrating 15 years is a huge accomplishment…Aadam has
been there for me, I for him through the good times and bad…mostly bad in the
last few years, but I am waiting for the good times to roll in again…maybe the
next 15 will prove to be a better ratio.
Today as we can celebrate our accomplishment, it is a bitter
sweet day because of Whitney’s birthday. She would have been 24. We all miss
her, we HATE that she is gone. I can’t understand why and I won’t till I see
Jesus face to face, but then I won’t even care, because she will be there. I
will see her in Heaven a place I can’t wait to be in! Please think of our
family as we celebrate Whitney today! Remember my mom, she struggles more than
I can describe. Her loss is a child. Parents never prepare to bury a child. Please
say an extra special prayer for her!
Many Blessings friends,
DeAnna
