Growing Pains

My family and I spent the Memorial Day weekend away with good friends in Port Ludlow, WA. I was a bit anxious leaving the house, on a weekend away. Hadn't really gone anywhere in a long time, nor spent that much time with my friends since Whitney's hospitalization and even less time after she passed away. That Friday morning, the day we were to leave, I had seen my son Corbin's preschool teacher from back in the day outside of the school cleaning up from what I knew was Bike Day at the school. I had been feeling the urge to speak to her since Whitney had passed, but chickened out several times. I even had her home phone, cell and work number in my cell phone...funny I had kept those numbers through all the years. I knew this woman had been through the most hardships other then my mother and I desired to speak to her. She had lost her son, tragically in a car accident, he was very young as well and she is a survivor of Breast Cancer. I had always felt connected to this woman and I knew God was urging me to speak with her. That morning as I saw her cleaning up outside, with a lot of hesitation I pulled in and said hello, but barley got much out of my mouth before I started to sob...why is it always that way!!!  I told her what was going on in our world and she shared so very much with me and I would like to think that helped me kick start this weekend. She gave me advice about how to comfort my mom and what my mom is going through, reassured me that my mom's grief is normal (not that I ever thought my mom wasn't normal). Just a small amount of time with this woman helped me feel a lot better and it opened the door to go to her anytime I need to talk. Someone who has lost someone, especially in this way is a life saver. They totally get the pain, they understand why I don't feel like moving and life just passes me by. They get why my ankles feel like they are trapped in cement with every step I take. Grief is painful and forever. This woman told me, time doesn't heal all wounds...you just have a higher threshold for pain as time goes by. 

We spent a lot of time while in Port Ludlow, walking, moving, and we were always busy with something. You cant just take a nap, kick back and relax, you have to up and moving. This also has a lot to do with Rhoda's lack of comfortable furniture and her minimalistic living.

In all honesty my body feels like I have been beaten with a tennis racket and my feet are so swollen from all the walking on rocks and in sand, through the forts at Fort Worden and up and down Rhoda's stairs, countless trips to the bathroom with 10 children, not to mention cooking for 17 people. But in all that physical exhaustion is a feeling of growth...I needed to feel that pain again, I need to feel like I can go for a walk or go to the pool. To feel the muscles fatigued in my legs and the burn on my face and arms, I finally feel something other than sadness. I felt like I needed that pain, I needed that pain to push me to do something other than nothing. All morning I have been doing laundry, picking up toys, calling doctors, making food, doing the normal stuff one does and I felt okay with it. My old routine (especially on non school days) was to get up, make breakfast, tell the kids to start there work and sit on the couch for hours, reading, facebooking, googling or listening to music...randomly being asked to help with school work, then make lunch and do the same routine till dinner, make dinner then maybe decide to do a loud of dishes or laundry, because I had wasted an entire day and had nothing to show for it. My kids sadly didn't have a mother, they had a Robot. I made sure they were taken care of and even guilt myself into doing one thing a day for the kids. I had become so accustomed to nothing, that this weekend made me feel like the pain of stretching myself beyond what I had been doing was a better pain then the pain of doing nothing, especially for the wellness of my kids.My kids had so much fun--- fun being with their family and friends and spending time doing something.

I am growing, moving a bit faster, maybe the cement around my ankles is starting to chip off.

Pieces Of My Heart

As some of you know me very well, you know how bubbly my personality is. I am always ready to make crowds of people roar with laughter...and in a bit of a vain way enjoyed the attention. I believe I have a positive outlook and it would be said I have a happy-go-lucky attitude...the same traits both my dad and sister Whitney had as well.

I think that person, the person that was me... went on vacation, I cant seem to find her anywhere. I am so serious these days. I feel like part of my heart is missing, the very part of my heart that made up the happy, bubbly and positive part of who I am. My role has always been the strong one, aside from my father, who was a very strong man. I don't think I convey my heartbreak over his death enough, but with both Whitney and my dad gone the two people who I most fit in with, the pieces of my heart that connected all of us, makes me feel like I am broken and I am not sure how it will ever be repaired. My heart feels like it is literally broken and it will be scared for life, each loss and each set of horrible, life changing events takes another piece of my heart.

I went to church on mother's day...haven't gone back yet, for that story go here http://whiteheadmarshall.blogspot.com/2011/05/rebuild.html  I am not turning from God, in fact it is the very opposite, I cling on Him every minute, every hour and every day. I just find it so overwhelming to be around people. I avoid lines at the grocery store, I go way out of my way to visit places no one will know who I am. I have become a hermit, filling my bubble with only those who care enough to give me space and time to heal. I am slowly adding more people to the bubble, but that in itself is a challenge every day.

I am reading A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser and he describes it so well..."If normal, natural, reversible loss is like a broken limb, then catastrophic loss is like an amputation. The results are permanent, the impact incalculable, the consequences cumulative. Each new day forces one to face new and devastating dimension of the loss. It creates a whole new context for one's life."

Repairing this broken heart is the toughest thing I have ever done and without Jesus I would be scared of where or what I would have become in the last couple of months. I think that the will of God is for me to work on the repairing of my heart. Putting back together the broken pieces and showing the lost souls of this world how God works in my life. With any depth of devastation can come healing. God is the ultimate Healer! The one thing everyone can take from Whitney's death is to know God saves and God heals...it just isn't always in the way we think it will be.

If I could save time in a bottle

I lay my head on my pillow after a long day and for some reason, I cant sleep. Ever since my sister was hospitalized, I don't sleep, I go to bed about 2 am, get up around 7 am.

All day I have been repeating the first line to Time in a Bottle...there is always a reason. Here are the lyrics below. I thought about just posting a link for you to just go to, to shorten my blog post, but you have to see these lyrics. As I took some time to reflect on them, as well as research what this song meant to Jim Croce. You have to know two things...he wrote this song for his un-born son and he died in a plane crash at the age of 30 shortly after it released and he never got to see his son grow up.

If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
Is to save every day
Till Eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I'd save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go
Through time with

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go
Through time with

I never just think anything happens randomly anymore, do you? Have you thought about the 'strangers' you meet? The friends you have? The circumstances you are in? We could be in a different country, be a different race, have gone through a different era, had different parents, different sisters/brothers, had a completely different income...wealth, poverty, status, education, structure, home life, sex and language.

I recently did a special project with my kids and for myself. I created a Inspirational Collage http://whiteheadmarshall.blogspot.com/2011/05/inspirational-collage.html, something to keep me focused on the goals I once had and wish to keep working towards.

It seems in my life right now, I need that sort of structure and balance. I feel lost right now. I am seeking God's truth. I passionately desire change, craving to know and do what I was called to do. I am more aware of how precious our time is here on Earth. I want to make the positive right changes to be productive and take full advantage of those precious... minutes, hours and days I still remain here on Earth.

I want to show my kids that you can do anything and not to just stop because of our circumstances or where we are placed. Our wealth, poverty, education, structure, home life, sex and language don't have to determine where we go. We just need to follow the marked path and hang on for the ride...those circumstances could change and you could be gone even when you didn't think it would happen to you. I can't just let life go on the way it has been going on anymore. I need to do something, I need to be a servant to Jesus every single day and let his path for my life light the way.

Inspirational Collage

Free picture collage generated with Smilebox

All these pictures represent goals...goals I have for the now, future and even for fun...I think everyone needs a little motivation and for me, I need to feel like I can see it...reach these goals for real!

Rebuild

Sunday, Mother's Day. My second day to church since Whitney's passing. I was very encouraged I could get through it, the weeks and days prior to this had been very difficult, but I felt ready to try church again. I had some weird encounters with strangers as well as non strangers at church in previous weeks that were pretty awkward. People just don't know what to say to someone who is grieving.

I made a clean and clear path to my seat, got through some hellos and enjoyed worship. It was baptism Sunday and there were about 10 people ready to be baptized. As they all began to be baptized, I felt the Holy Spirit move across me so quickly I had no time to catch what was about to fall from my heart...I began to watch lovely Women and Men of God declare their love for Jesus in such a radical way, I had never been more honored and I have seen countless baptisms at CTK, as well as my eldest child's. This man got into the water and you could truly see his burdens, they weighed him down so much it was as if he fell to his knees. You couldn't hear what the pastors were saying or what this man was saying, but the picture is worth more then anything. As this man came up out of the water, I literally saw his transformation. He had given his heart to Christ and was declaring it to everyone. The Holy Spirit moved me to tears and not just little tears...Big o' soggy, snotty tears. Worship continued and Holy Holy Holy was being sung and I continued to be filled with so many overwhelming emotions, so much that I couldn't even be in that room anymore, I had to exit immediately, I was too overcome and to be honest wasn't ready for a meet and greet which was seconds away... a fellow sister scooped me up and held my hand and took me to a safe place.

This sadness and overwhelming pain comes and never goes, just gets bigger and bigger. I find strength in devotionals and uplifting books. In my readings this week from a helpful book---A Grace Disguised, by Jerry Sittser a very special quote spoke volumes to my soul...

"It is how we respond to loss that matters. That response will largely determine the quality, the direction, and the impact of our lives."

God has a plan and I need to see him through, no matter the risk, no matter the heartache and no matter how much I don't like this.

This pain is harsh, the pain you feel when your world has been flooded and you have no choice other then to clean it up, start fresh and rebuild.