You know you are on to something good when your blog post vanishes into thin air...apparently Satan don't like these words...
A few weeks ago I was in a bad place...didn't want to leave the house, dreaded running into people and being at all social. I consider myself to be a avid church goer...going all the time only missing church when there is sickness or we are out of town. Since Whitney was hospitalized and then passed I (as you know, if you are following) had only gone to a few services and was a puddle of tears and in my opinion no way fit to worship with others especially at CTK, the biggest church in Whatcom County. But 4 weeks ago I went back to church, I forced myself to take more then a baby step and go, go for me, for my kids and for my family. I needed to just do it! The first two weeks I had started back into a normal schedule I got sick to my stomach before I would leave the house and be sick right until I got in and began to join fellow sisters and brothers in worship.
The worship has really been a place of healing for me. I am tearful and feel the most connected to Christ when singing praises to His name. I have gone (with the exception to today) 3 weeks in a row and feel like I have moved miles in 3 weeks. I can go shopping at the store again, speak to anyone about my sister, her story, her life and her death. I stopped reading the "self-help" books for a few weeks as well and spent hours working out again at the pool...giving myself time to heal and get back to taking care of me, my kids and family.
I am still sad and feel like I lost my left arm. It is hard to explain how one goes through life without a left arm. It changes you. It can change you for the worse or for the better. It just depends on your perspective and how you allow God to use you without that left arm...plus the mere fact that your left arm is gone is the very tool God is using to reach those who have lost their left arms as well. You can be a light in the darkness, you can feel someones soul filled with pain and grief like no other person, with the exception to Christ. I took sometime to research people who have overcome losing their left arm literally. I remembered a girl that was attacked by a shark and her tremendous faith and courage to keep on doing what she loved...I googled "girl surfer attacked by shark" and my google results came back with Bethany Hamilton and to my utter shock, a movie everyone is talking about and I am yet to see...Soul Surfer...whoa, blows my mind still. Take a look at this for more info on her story http://www.soulsurferthemovie.com/page/true-story.html God is so amazing and continues to work in us and all our stories are inner twinned...we all mesh together for His glory and to complete His story.
God has showed me so much through the death of my sister and I am learning so much about my strength and who I am and what I need to be working on to better myself.
Losing your left arm is a bum deal, but it can also be an amazing ride and the very reason for your existence.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Milk
Today, as well as at least 4 days before this I had to go to the grocery store, we have been out of milk since Saturday and even that day was a day where I conserved the milk that remained. I had said let's not forget milk when we go to Walmart (that was Sunday), then again on Monday...but the grocery store never happens and today is Wednesday.
Most days I avoid high traffic problem spots, the fear of running into someone or having some sort of meltdown in public keeps me away from Safeway as well as other hot spots. There is a family who we got to know in ICU waiting. A very lovely family. A family who was close to losing their father and husband. I can gladly say he is doing well and is alive and kicking! This family are closely tied to Safeway...all of the lovely people who we built close relationships with all work there.., one in the bakery, another in the pharmacy, one at the guest service counter and another at the Starbuck's. These women were very important as both our families went through such a difficult time and they know the pain of losing a sibling and child as well. We knew the deep pain they were facing when they might have lost their dad and husband. It is refreshing and a place of deep reality when I see them. They know more then anyone how brutally hard this is. They not only have been there, but they held our hands as we lost our sister and daughter. I was feeling anxious about going to the store, feeling a bit worried I would run into one of these ladies. Today I was weak, my mind and soul are a little tired. I got onto the Guide and glanced down at my wrist and I saw the letters "forever in our hearts" and began to weep. Oh no!!! As I had suspected I was fragile today and now I have to go into Safeway!
Days can fly by with ease and the sadness doesn't feel as sad as it may have the day before, but then one thing can hit and you are right back where you started from. I have never grieved quite like this in my entire life. This pain is so brutal and it comes without any notice or rather it goes doormat for a few days and then something awakens it and it is alive again. I did go to church on Sunday, it was my third Sunday to church since Whitney has passed, and in all honesty since she was hospitalized. Mind numbing to think that a regular church goer like myself has missed more church in the last few months then I have probably ever missed in my entire adult life. I did see many people and many people were kind and loving. There was a few moments during worship that made me gulp a bit. I am not saying I don't want to cry in public, but I guess I am saying that. I want to be alone and be sad, but life is in the way and because I am sad just about all the time, I have to do life along side of it. All of this is brutal! A hard reality that Whitney is never coming back and believe me when I say this, I perpetually feel like this is all a dream, a bad bad dream!
Most days I avoid high traffic problem spots, the fear of running into someone or having some sort of meltdown in public keeps me away from Safeway as well as other hot spots. There is a family who we got to know in ICU waiting. A very lovely family. A family who was close to losing their father and husband. I can gladly say he is doing well and is alive and kicking! This family are closely tied to Safeway...all of the lovely people who we built close relationships with all work there.., one in the bakery, another in the pharmacy, one at the guest service counter and another at the Starbuck's. These women were very important as both our families went through such a difficult time and they know the pain of losing a sibling and child as well. We knew the deep pain they were facing when they might have lost their dad and husband. It is refreshing and a place of deep reality when I see them. They know more then anyone how brutally hard this is. They not only have been there, but they held our hands as we lost our sister and daughter. I was feeling anxious about going to the store, feeling a bit worried I would run into one of these ladies. Today I was weak, my mind and soul are a little tired. I got onto the Guide and glanced down at my wrist and I saw the letters "forever in our hearts" and began to weep. Oh no!!! As I had suspected I was fragile today and now I have to go into Safeway!
Days can fly by with ease and the sadness doesn't feel as sad as it may have the day before, but then one thing can hit and you are right back where you started from. I have never grieved quite like this in my entire life. This pain is so brutal and it comes without any notice or rather it goes doormat for a few days and then something awakens it and it is alive again. I did go to church on Sunday, it was my third Sunday to church since Whitney has passed, and in all honesty since she was hospitalized. Mind numbing to think that a regular church goer like myself has missed more church in the last few months then I have probably ever missed in my entire adult life. I did see many people and many people were kind and loving. There was a few moments during worship that made me gulp a bit. I am not saying I don't want to cry in public, but I guess I am saying that. I want to be alone and be sad, but life is in the way and because I am sad just about all the time, I have to do life along side of it. All of this is brutal! A hard reality that Whitney is never coming back and believe me when I say this, I perpetually feel like this is all a dream, a bad bad dream!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)