Pieces Of My Heart

As some of you know me very well, you know how bubbly my personality is. I am always ready to make crowds of people roar with laughter...and in a bit of a vain way enjoyed the attention. I believe I have a positive outlook and it would be said I have a happy-go-lucky attitude...the same traits both my dad and sister Whitney had as well.

I think that person, the person that was me... went on vacation, I cant seem to find her anywhere. I am so serious these days. I feel like part of my heart is missing, the very part of my heart that made up the happy, bubbly and positive part of who I am. My role has always been the strong one, aside from my father, who was a very strong man. I don't think I convey my heartbreak over his death enough, but with both Whitney and my dad gone the two people who I most fit in with, the pieces of my heart that connected all of us, makes me feel like I am broken and I am not sure how it will ever be repaired. My heart feels like it is literally broken and it will be scared for life, each loss and each set of horrible, life changing events takes another piece of my heart.

I went to church on mother's day...haven't gone back yet, for that story go here http://whiteheadmarshall.blogspot.com/2011/05/rebuild.html  I am not turning from God, in fact it is the very opposite, I cling on Him every minute, every hour and every day. I just find it so overwhelming to be around people. I avoid lines at the grocery store, I go way out of my way to visit places no one will know who I am. I have become a hermit, filling my bubble with only those who care enough to give me space and time to heal. I am slowly adding more people to the bubble, but that in itself is a challenge every day.

I am reading A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser and he describes it so well..."If normal, natural, reversible loss is like a broken limb, then catastrophic loss is like an amputation. The results are permanent, the impact incalculable, the consequences cumulative. Each new day forces one to face new and devastating dimension of the loss. It creates a whole new context for one's life."

Repairing this broken heart is the toughest thing I have ever done and without Jesus I would be scared of where or what I would have become in the last couple of months. I think that the will of God is for me to work on the repairing of my heart. Putting back together the broken pieces and showing the lost souls of this world how God works in my life. With any depth of devastation can come healing. God is the ultimate Healer! The one thing everyone can take from Whitney's death is to know God saves and God heals...it just isn't always in the way we think it will be.