Christmas Wishes

This isn’t a typical Christmas letter. This one has more grit and less fluff, but none the less, it is an update.

This year has had many trials as what appears to be a part of my family’s life cycle over the last undetermined amount of years, however even in the midst of tragic events and loss my little family survives and pulls through. I got a lot of fighters in this batch and blessed for that.

We have now been at a new church for over a year and we are truly blessed with our new church home.

My children are doing well; despite all the curve balls they have been thrown. Rylee was so depressed and was without a lot of hope about 6 months ago; she kept me on my knees (figuratively speaking) in prayer. But so glad she found writing and music to push her through. She has grown up fast. An old soul in an 11 year old body. She is amazing at playing the guitar, is doing fabulous in basketball right now and she even stepped out of her box to try Volleyball this fall and did amazing, picked up on that sport quite well. Her activities will keep me healthy and on the move, one of the reasons I continue to homeschool, anything to force me to be young, otherwise I would just sit and knit and listen to books on tape.

Corbin has battled me with his hair, but has managed to keep the faux hawk! My rule---keep it gelled or I shave it off! I don’t like no floppy hawks. He has also become a real avid reader and I am totally shocked that I have two children who have and will continue to out read their mother, so their father’s children in that aspect. Corbin is by far my easiest child, not ashamed to say that. He is so much like me and because believe it or not, I am not the most stubborn parental figure in these children’s lives. Aadam has me beat by at least 50%...dead serious. Another reason I stay young, Aadam is always pushing me over the cliff mentally, who needs Sudoku…Corbin has a love for 80’s music, which I can’t complain about, although yesterday he was singing to me mind you “touch me once, touch me twice…” then some mumbles…Song title is If You Leave by Glass Tiger, that song is probably not the best choice for a 9 year old, also the choice part he chose to remember is misleading, it has nothing to do with touching.

Eli, what can I say…this child keeps me super on my toes. This kid has an amazing quick wit! Impressive one liners all the time! We should all join the circus or something like that. I hate clowns so something less clownish. Eli loves preschool, about the only thing he gets super excited about is share day…some days he has a hard time going to school on girl share day, but he presses onward.  This year Eli asked Santa for a shotgun and a baby Christmas tree for his room…Santa will not disappoint…of course the shotgun is a nerf gun with foam bullets.

I am so proud of my kids; they are one of the best things in my life.

Aadam and I have managed to make it through 15 ½ years of marriage, huge accomplishment. It has never been easy and I absolutely envy anyone who makes it look easy. Working on my jealously. Although oddly some people look at us and think we have it all…isn’t it true how the grass always looks greener on the other side…but as we all know it is just fertilized with a lot of BS!

My favorite thing about Christmas is the lights, been through James Street Estates quite a few times, found some great gems out this way too. I truly want to have a Chevy Chase house with a crazy amount of lights all over this place, but my worker bee is a Grinch, so I settle for a reasonable amount of lights. Last March I fell and couldn’t get up, Aadam nearly called the fire department on me, so I prevailed and forced myself to rise to the occasion…I have a minor torn meniscous and sad insurance that costs me an arm and a leg, so with a lot of pool therapy over the spring and summer I got my knee to about 75%, still have a hard time on lots of stairs, especially coming back down them. I have been told by therapists that knee injuries can take a very long time to heal, so I guess I should be good sometime soon.  

It is Christmas Eve, I couldn’t sleep, God does wake me about the same time every few days and I spend a good deal of that time praying for a sick friend, my sister and my little family. My friend who is battling breast cancer in her last month of pregnancy is an amazing fighter and I urge anyone who prays to our heavenly father to think of her and her nearly 6 kiddos and say a prayer for her. I can’t imagine going through that and yet with grace she amazes me. I truly admire her.

My mom is doing good, got the tree up this year; she still can’t manage placing the ornaments on the tree though. Too many memories and sadness attached to each little Santa, angel and bell. My mom misses my dad a lot these days. Dad was always big on Christmas, shared in my love for lights and was always the planner and Mr. Christmas in our house. I miss him too.

Losing someone outside of what we deem to be a natural time is always hard. God has shown me over the years to not take life for granted and the amount of time we have. I can be assured of where I will go when I do pass in this life and I am thankful for heaven and I am blessed to have this earth as long as I do. I want to do more for Christ and to be a humble servant, need to work on it though. Humble sadly doesn’t come easy for me. God keeps working on my heart and my mind will follow I am sure.

I wish you all a blessed Christmas and even brighter New Year! We have much to be thankful for!

Many Blessings to you all,

DeAnna

Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed is where I have been this week…the Holy Spirit made me aware that this was last year’s pattern and I was overwhelmed because I wasn’t leaning on Christ and avoiding my true feelings of feeling overwhelmed that Whitney’s birthday was approaching. I tend to be a person who bottles up true feelings. I like to just keep them down, I usually use food, busyness or whatever to keep them at bay at least till I am able to properly, without an audience deal with myself. I have always been the perceived strong one. But my true self is overwhelmed, stressed, using the f word too much…you know when that makes an ugly appearance, shit just got real! Please excuse my language, but this is me, the real raw me, the one who has little to no filter.

I am not sure how to celebrate Whitney’s birthday. I wish we didn’t have to do this, I wish she was still here. For some reason this death is much harder to work with. With dad it wasn’t easy, just different. We all miss him, but it is easier on his birthday, the anniversary of his death just to be with each other and remember, with Whitney, it is painful, overwhelmingly sad and buckets of tears, at least for me…although those tears will most likely be shed in my home, where no one can see me.

Not only is it Whitney’s 24^th birthday today, but it is my anniversary. Aadam and I are celebrating 15 years of marriage, such a wonderful milestone. Can’t believe we make it, year after year. It hasn’t been easy. It has been so hard. I won’t sugar coat anything, I see countless people post on their Facebook statuses how magically and wonderful their marriage is, lots of fluff…it’s not that I don’t believe it, I just think what makes you so special that you can avoid real life problems, finances, death, anything that can break a marriage up. How is it that your marriage is perfect and mine is not? Sometimes I wonder where my blessings are. God where? In the trueness of this statement I know I have many blessings… healthy kids, wonderful friends, my family, transportation and a house. Aadam’s job went through quite a change up a few years ago and our income has been cut drastically and the economy that enslaves you to the gas pump and high prices of food, daily needs that can’t be substituted never end. Although I have used my addiction to pinterest to help me find cheaper ways to make some of those daily items last longer and save me at least a few bucks at the end of the year. Aadam and I have been through hell and back…many things that would end a marriage, we are warriors! We have made it despite the heavy on slot of unrelenting sadness, distractions and overwhelming circumstances. For me celebrating 15 years is a huge accomplishment…Aadam has been there for me, I for him through the good times and bad…mostly bad in the last few years, but I am waiting for the good times to roll in again…maybe the next 15 will prove to be a better ratio.

Today as we can celebrate our accomplishment, it is a bitter sweet day because of Whitney’s birthday. She would have been 24. We all miss her, we HATE that she is gone. I can’t understand why and I won’t till I see Jesus face to face, but then I won’t even care, because she will be there. I will see her in Heaven a place I can’t wait to be in! Please think of our family as we celebrate Whitney today! Remember my mom, she struggles more than I can describe. Her loss is a child. Parents never prepare to bury a child. Please say an extra special prayer for her!

Many Blessings friends,

DeAnna

Flying Under the Radar

Insomnia becomes me right now. For some reason over the last week I have been plagued with little to no sleep. Part of this is from being so sick and the other part is the eagerness to hit this year mark. Not that hitting a anniversary is something I want, but the closer you get to it the more you want it to go away and be done and over with.

It is hard not to live around the dates. The dates have defined me this year and to be honest since I lost my Dad. Adding in another anniversary is a challenge, but the hardest part is this event was 22 days long, so there is an anniversary for almost a month. Milestones and memories shared within that time. I can still remember what was happening on specific days…no thanks or thanks to this blog. I am glad I have this to look back on, but man is it a constant reminder of how different the outcome was.

I had a conversation with a friend who has experienced her own grief and loss. A tragedy alike in many ways. We both can relate to the deep pain of losing someone as well as losing someone after a time of waiting. A hospital stint and loved ones and a community praying that our loved ones would be healed and walk away from this event. The conversation my friend and I shared had a lot to do with being let down. Like someone popping your balloon…but that someone was God. We both can agree we love the Lord, we trust in Him and know that His love endures forever. We aren’t second guessing God’s will in all of it. We both can relate to how much faith we both had and were so faithful to believe that the healing of our loved ones would come in the form of them living and showing the world that God heals, miracles happen and they would both walk away as if nothing happened. I am imagining the biggest balloon with the loudest bang right now and the trail and deflated balloon lying at my feet. That feeling stays with me, with her as well.

 I feel like I am almost too afraid to step out and have that much faith again. I want to fly under the radar for a while as if I can control life events and the will of God and the outcome of all of my loved ones. As if my faith had something to do with the events that took place. I know that sounds insane, but I can’t help but feel like I never want to feel that much pain again. The pain of losing Whitney was very hard, but the pain of my prayers not being answered the way I wanted and everything I put into her healing here on earth was such a bigger loss and a deeper pain then I can describe.

I came to know Christ as a child, but rededicated my life to him when I was in 8^th grade. Then our church hired a new youth pastor and for the next 4 years this husband and wife opened my eyes to a faith I had never seen and I had seen God like never before. I went to a very quiet Baptist church growing up and the ratio of young and old wasn’t equal, most of the church consisted of older people and church was  a Sunday, Wednesday night thing. It never reached much past those walls, until I rededicated my life to Christ and had dedicated followers showing me a faith I had never seen before. I become so radical in my faith, witnessing and making it more about the whole week, rather than a Sunday and Wednesday thing. It changed my life. I continued to grow through out those years and then moved to a different church, a church focused on outreach, went on many mission trips, taught children, led worship…this went on for years and years, well into my family years.

I gave up serving in Ministry when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I had been a Women’s Ministry Director and was highly involved in the church and in outreach. It was my life. Being hit with this reality and being pregnant at the time with Eli made it difficult to be committed to the ministry. We knew it was only God’s timing, due to some other events happening at the same time in this church, so it was a good Segway.

The next year was hard, but I grew close with my dad. We would visit him on Thursdays and Sundays so he had time to be with his grand kids. I also helped Whitney who had become like a caregiver to him during those last months when Mom was at work. She had been out of school, just graduated. I would do whatever my dad asked and as OCD as he was he knew I would make that sandwich exactly the way he wanted. Because we were there so often the progression of his illness didn’t become noticeable until about 2 months before he passed and then it was like he faded within a couple weeks. I don’t really know why I am saying all of this. What I am leading up to is that his death wasn’t a shock, I knew where he was going, there was a point where my prayers for his miraculous healing stopped, rather shifted to prayers for a painless departure and that he was at peace. I prayed that he would have closure where he needed it before he died. Once my dad knew the outcome himself everything changed. Let’s talk about a man who had so much faith. I wonder if he felt the way I did when my sister died as he knew his days and hours were numbered. My dad was pretty sure he would beat his cancer even when he was on his last few weeks. Some a very quick to call it denial, I call it radical faith. A faith that you believe beyond your head knowledge and you put everything into Jesus, His healing and you think with your heart, not your head.

I have been told I am in a season and it is okay to feel like being under the radar so to speak. I know that my head knowledge has taken over and my heart is deeply wounded. My heart is where all of my radical faith lies. I don’t know how to uncover it again or if it is even time to uncover it. My head knowledge knows that these outcomes happen. How many people have lost loved ones and are in the same place I am, our family is. There is still one thing that my heart sees, it sees the identical pain in others and my heart is drawn to them. I am more sensitive then I have ever been and I am more careful with my words, thoughts and relationships than ever before. But I am still stuck in pause mode, unable to do much more then raise my kids and keep my house from falling apart. I can’t believe it will be a year tomorrow. What have I done in all this time? Where has the time gone? My sister’s room is still the same…my mom still can’t sleep in her bed or even her own room. Why does it feel like it just happened?

Constant Unrest

Lately every time my head hits the pillow and I close my eyes I just see the same picture, her dying…the last minutes the monitor showed life and the doctors and nurses busy around her doing what they could to save her…me at the foot of her bed, holding her feet.

Tonight I just ended up crying out loud. Replaying it all out verbally to whoever would hear, my husband, God. I know he is always listening…God that is.

I know for a fact this has changed me, changed my family, changed my daughter, my relationships, everything about me…forever!

I was there when my dad passed and I can remember every detail and one thing I always had when it happened and even now was peace. At times I feel peace or at least I think I do over Whitney’s death, but in reality, there is a constant unrest. My thoughts are always on her. Her life, the shortness of it.

Please spare me the go-to answer as to how fabulous it is that she lives on in Heaven. I know. I just feel a huge deep loss and it seems to be growing more rapidly these days.

My worry over my daughter and how sad she is carries me into more of a pit I don’t know how to climb out of. I fear for her future happiness. She is a completely different child. She still loves music, barbies and school. However, she has nightmares, cries a lot, has lots of mood swings and sounds a lot like her mom. We could be twins. But what is scary is I have done this before, I come with scars, wounded already. This is most likely one of her first scars and not to mention I am not good at the right way to answer, I am just good at the truth. The truth is… it does seem unfair, it hurts and it makes our lives right now seem very sad and unpredictable. The other day she worried over possibly dying in a few years. This isn’t something a 10 year old talks about, however this is my world almost daily. There are a small handful of people I can go to about this daily surge of emotions, because like Rylee and myself, this conversation for many is heartbreaking and most can’t handle it.

Getting through the holidays and past the 3 year anniversary of Dad’s death was what I thought to be the needed milestones for optimum healing. However that was false.

Need prayer, Need God and I Need to listen.

Left Arm

You know you are on to something good when your blog post vanishes into thin air...apparently Satan don't like these words...

A few weeks ago I was in a bad place...didn't want to leave the house, dreaded running into people and being at all social. I consider myself to be a avid church goer...going all the time only missing church when there is sickness or we are out of town. Since Whitney was hospitalized and then passed I (as you know, if you are following) had only gone to a few services and was a puddle of tears and in my opinion no way fit to worship with others especially at CTK, the biggest church in Whatcom County. But 4 weeks ago I went back to church, I forced myself to take more then a baby step and go, go for me, for my kids and for my family. I needed to just do it! The first two weeks I had started back into a normal schedule I got sick to my stomach before I would leave the house and be sick right until I got in and began to join fellow sisters and brothers in worship.

The worship has really been a place of healing for me. I am tearful and feel the most connected to Christ when singing praises to His name. I have gone (with the exception to today) 3 weeks in a row and feel like I have moved miles in 3 weeks. I can go shopping at the store again, speak to anyone about my sister, her story, her life and her death. I stopped reading the "self-help" books for a few weeks as well and spent hours working out again at the pool...giving myself time to heal and get back to taking care of me, my kids and family.

I am still sad and feel like I lost my left arm. It is hard to explain how one goes through life without a left arm. It changes you. It can change you for the worse or for the better. It just depends on your perspective and how you allow God to use you without that left arm...plus the mere fact that your left arm is gone is the very tool God is using to reach those who have lost their left arms as well. You can be a light in the darkness, you can feel someones soul filled with pain and grief like no other person, with the exception to Christ. I took sometime to research people who have overcome losing their left arm literally. I remembered a girl that was attacked by a shark and her tremendous faith and courage to keep on doing what she loved...I googled "girl surfer attacked by shark" and my google results came back with Bethany Hamilton and to my utter shock, a movie everyone is talking about and I am yet to see...Soul Surfer...whoa, blows my mind still. Take a look at this for more info on her story http://www.soulsurferthemovie.com/page/true-story.html God is so amazing and continues to work in us and all our stories are inner twinned...we all mesh together for His glory and to complete His story.

God has showed me so much through the death of my sister and I am learning so much about my strength and who I am and what I need to be working on to better myself.

Losing your left arm is a bum deal, but it can also be an amazing ride and the very reason for your existence.

Milk

Today, as well as at least 4 days before this I had to go to the grocery store, we have been out of milk since Saturday and even that day was a day where I conserved the milk that remained. I had said let's not forget milk when we go to Walmart (that was Sunday), then again on Monday...but the grocery store never happens and today is Wednesday.

Most days I avoid high traffic problem spots, the fear of running into someone or having some sort of meltdown in public keeps me away from Safeway as well as other hot spots. There is a family who we got to know in ICU waiting. A very lovely family. A family who was close to losing their father and husband. I can gladly say he is doing well and is alive and kicking! This family are closely tied to Safeway...all of the lovely people who we built close relationships with all work there.., one in the bakery, another in the pharmacy, one at the guest service counter and another at the Starbuck's. These women were very important as both our families went through such a difficult time and they know the pain of losing a sibling and child as well. We knew the deep pain they were facing when they might have lost their dad and husband. It is refreshing and a place of deep reality when I see them. They know more then anyone how brutally hard this is. They not only have been there, but they held our hands as we lost our sister and daughter. I was feeling anxious about going to the store, feeling a bit worried I would run into one of these ladies. Today I was weak, my mind and soul are a little tired. I got onto the Guide and glanced down at my wrist and I saw the letters "forever in our hearts" and began to weep. Oh no!!! As I had suspected I was fragile today and now I have to go into Safeway!

Days can fly by with ease and the sadness doesn't feel as sad as it may have the day before, but then one thing can hit and you are right back where you started from. I have never grieved quite like this in my entire life. This pain is so brutal and it comes without any notice or rather it goes doormat for a few days and then something awakens it and it is alive again. I did go to church on Sunday, it was my third Sunday to church since Whitney has passed, and in all honesty since she was hospitalized. Mind numbing to think that a regular church goer like myself has missed more church in the last few months then I have probably ever missed in my entire adult life. I did see many people and many people were kind and loving. There was a few moments during worship that made me gulp a bit. I am not saying I don't want to cry in public, but I guess I am saying that. I want to be alone and be sad, but life is in the way and because I am sad just about all the time, I have to do life along side of it. All of this is brutal! A hard reality that Whitney is never coming back and believe me when I say this, I perpetually feel like this is all a dream, a bad bad dream!

Growing Pains

My family and I spent the Memorial Day weekend away with good friends in Port Ludlow, WA. I was a bit anxious leaving the house, on a weekend away. Hadn't really gone anywhere in a long time, nor spent that much time with my friends since Whitney's hospitalization and even less time after she passed away. That Friday morning, the day we were to leave, I had seen my son Corbin's preschool teacher from back in the day outside of the school cleaning up from what I knew was Bike Day at the school. I had been feeling the urge to speak to her since Whitney had passed, but chickened out several times. I even had her home phone, cell and work number in my cell phone...funny I had kept those numbers through all the years. I knew this woman had been through the most hardships other then my mother and I desired to speak to her. She had lost her son, tragically in a car accident, he was very young as well and she is a survivor of Breast Cancer. I had always felt connected to this woman and I knew God was urging me to speak with her. That morning as I saw her cleaning up outside, with a lot of hesitation I pulled in and said hello, but barley got much out of my mouth before I started to sob...why is it always that way!!!  I told her what was going on in our world and she shared so very much with me and I would like to think that helped me kick start this weekend. She gave me advice about how to comfort my mom and what my mom is going through, reassured me that my mom's grief is normal (not that I ever thought my mom wasn't normal). Just a small amount of time with this woman helped me feel a lot better and it opened the door to go to her anytime I need to talk. Someone who has lost someone, especially in this way is a life saver. They totally get the pain, they understand why I don't feel like moving and life just passes me by. They get why my ankles feel like they are trapped in cement with every step I take. Grief is painful and forever. This woman told me, time doesn't heal all wounds...you just have a higher threshold for pain as time goes by. 

We spent a lot of time while in Port Ludlow, walking, moving, and we were always busy with something. You cant just take a nap, kick back and relax, you have to up and moving. This also has a lot to do with Rhoda's lack of comfortable furniture and her minimalistic living.

In all honesty my body feels like I have been beaten with a tennis racket and my feet are so swollen from all the walking on rocks and in sand, through the forts at Fort Worden and up and down Rhoda's stairs, countless trips to the bathroom with 10 children, not to mention cooking for 17 people. But in all that physical exhaustion is a feeling of growth...I needed to feel that pain again, I need to feel like I can go for a walk or go to the pool. To feel the muscles fatigued in my legs and the burn on my face and arms, I finally feel something other than sadness. I felt like I needed that pain, I needed that pain to push me to do something other than nothing. All morning I have been doing laundry, picking up toys, calling doctors, making food, doing the normal stuff one does and I felt okay with it. My old routine (especially on non school days) was to get up, make breakfast, tell the kids to start there work and sit on the couch for hours, reading, facebooking, googling or listening to music...randomly being asked to help with school work, then make lunch and do the same routine till dinner, make dinner then maybe decide to do a loud of dishes or laundry, because I had wasted an entire day and had nothing to show for it. My kids sadly didn't have a mother, they had a Robot. I made sure they were taken care of and even guilt myself into doing one thing a day for the kids. I had become so accustomed to nothing, that this weekend made me feel like the pain of stretching myself beyond what I had been doing was a better pain then the pain of doing nothing, especially for the wellness of my kids.My kids had so much fun--- fun being with their family and friends and spending time doing something.

I am growing, moving a bit faster, maybe the cement around my ankles is starting to chip off.