Rebuild

Sunday, Mother's Day. My second day to church since Whitney's passing. I was very encouraged I could get through it, the weeks and days prior to this had been very difficult, but I felt ready to try church again. I had some weird encounters with strangers as well as non strangers at church in previous weeks that were pretty awkward. People just don't know what to say to someone who is grieving.

I made a clean and clear path to my seat, got through some hellos and enjoyed worship. It was baptism Sunday and there were about 10 people ready to be baptized. As they all began to be baptized, I felt the Holy Spirit move across me so quickly I had no time to catch what was about to fall from my heart...I began to watch lovely Women and Men of God declare their love for Jesus in such a radical way, I had never been more honored and I have seen countless baptisms at CTK, as well as my eldest child's. This man got into the water and you could truly see his burdens, they weighed him down so much it was as if he fell to his knees. You couldn't hear what the pastors were saying or what this man was saying, but the picture is worth more then anything. As this man came up out of the water, I literally saw his transformation. He had given his heart to Christ and was declaring it to everyone. The Holy Spirit moved me to tears and not just little tears...Big o' soggy, snotty tears. Worship continued and Holy Holy Holy was being sung and I continued to be filled with so many overwhelming emotions, so much that I couldn't even be in that room anymore, I had to exit immediately, I was too overcome and to be honest wasn't ready for a meet and greet which was seconds away... a fellow sister scooped me up and held my hand and took me to a safe place.

This sadness and overwhelming pain comes and never goes, just gets bigger and bigger. I find strength in devotionals and uplifting books. In my readings this week from a helpful book---A Grace Disguised, by Jerry Sittser a very special quote spoke volumes to my soul...

"It is how we respond to loss that matters. That response will largely determine the quality, the direction, and the impact of our lives."

God has a plan and I need to see him through, no matter the risk, no matter the heartache and no matter how much I don't like this.

This pain is harsh, the pain you feel when your world has been flooded and you have no choice other then to clean it up, start fresh and rebuild.