Today, as well as at least 4 days before this I had to go to the grocery store, we have been out of milk since Saturday and even that day was a day where I conserved the milk that remained. I had said let's not forget milk when we go to Walmart (that was Sunday), then again on Monday...but the grocery store never happens and today is Wednesday.
Most days I avoid high traffic problem spots, the fear of running into someone or having some sort of meltdown in public keeps me away from Safeway as well as other hot spots. There is a family who we got to know in ICU waiting. A very lovely family. A family who was close to losing their father and husband. I can gladly say he is doing well and is alive and kicking! This family are closely tied to Safeway...all of the lovely people who we built close relationships with all work there.., one in the bakery, another in the pharmacy, one at the guest service counter and another at the Starbuck's. These women were very important as both our families went through such a difficult time and they know the pain of losing a sibling and child as well. We knew the deep pain they were facing when they might have lost their dad and husband. It is refreshing and a place of deep reality when I see them. They know more then anyone how brutally hard this is. They not only have been there, but they held our hands as we lost our sister and daughter. I was feeling anxious about going to the store, feeling a bit worried I would run into one of these ladies. Today I was weak, my mind and soul are a little tired. I got onto the Guide and glanced down at my wrist and I saw the letters "forever in our hearts" and began to weep. Oh no!!! As I had suspected I was fragile today and now I have to go into Safeway!
Days can fly by with ease and the sadness doesn't feel as sad as it may have the day before, but then one thing can hit and you are right back where you started from. I have never grieved quite like this in my entire life. This pain is so brutal and it comes without any notice or rather it goes doormat for a few days and then something awakens it and it is alive again. I did go to church on Sunday, it was my third Sunday to church since Whitney has passed, and in all honesty since she was hospitalized. Mind numbing to think that a regular church goer like myself has missed more church in the last few months then I have probably ever missed in my entire adult life. I did see many people and many people were kind and loving. There was a few moments during worship that made me gulp a bit. I am not saying I don't want to cry in public, but I guess I am saying that. I want to be alone and be sad, but life is in the way and because I am sad just about all the time, I have to do life along side of it. All of this is brutal! A hard reality that Whitney is never coming back and believe me when I say this, I perpetually feel like this is all a dream, a bad bad dream!
Today, I felt the reality of what you are talking about here. There a woman who recently lost her husband in a car accident and she is well known in the local community because she is the principle of the middle and high school. She came to get a coffee today and I greeted her by saying, "Hi how are you?" I meant nothing deep by it but I could see her tense up when I said it. She looked in my eyes and saw no recognition from me and relaxed while saying, "I'm alright, could I have a Skinny vanilla latte." I knew then how you must feel every time you go out into public. You know so many people just as she does and they all love you and want you to be happy. So of course they are going to ask the same questions. But what they do not realize is that you just want to be treated as if nothing were going on so that you can go about your business. Maybe I speculate too much, but to me when you go into public you want to be anonymous so you can pretend for just a few moments that you are not missing your beloved sister. If you were with me now, I would kiss you just to make you laugh! Hugs!
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