Lately every time my head hits the pillow and I close my eyes I just see the same picture, her dying…the last minutes the monitor showed life and the doctors and nurses busy around her doing what they could to save her…me at the foot of her bed, holding her feet.
Tonight I just ended up crying out loud. Replaying it all out verbally to whoever would hear, my husband, God. I know he is always listening…God that is.
I know for a fact this has changed me, changed my family, changed my daughter, my relationships, everything about me…forever!
I was there when my dad passed and I can remember every detail and one thing I always had when it happened and even now was peace. At times I feel peace or at least I think I do over Whitney’s death, but in reality, there is a constant unrest. My thoughts are always on her. Her life, the shortness of it.
Please spare me the go-to answer as to how fabulous it is that she lives on in Heaven. I know. I just feel a huge deep loss and it seems to be growing more rapidly these days.
My worry over my daughter and how sad she is carries me into more of a pit I don’t know how to climb out of. I fear for her future happiness. She is a completely different child. She still loves music, barbies and school. However, she has nightmares, cries a lot, has lots of mood swings and sounds a lot like her mom. We could be twins. But what is scary is I have done this before, I come with scars, wounded already. This is most likely one of her first scars and not to mention I am not good at the right way to answer, I am just good at the truth. The truth is… it does seem unfair, it hurts and it makes our lives right now seem very sad and unpredictable. The other day she worried over possibly dying in a few years. This isn’t something a 10 year old talks about, however this is my world almost daily. There are a small handful of people I can go to about this daily surge of emotions, because like Rylee and myself, this conversation for many is heartbreaking and most can’t handle it.
Getting through the holidays and past the 3 year anniversary of Dad’s death was what I thought to be the needed milestones for optimum healing. However that was false.
Need prayer, Need God and I Need to listen.
oh sweet deanna. it is so hard to have the world "go on" after we lose something so precious and dear. heartbreaking really. praying for comfort for you both. the holy spirit is our comfort. i will pray for him to wrap you in his arms, both of you and that you will feel his presence.
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